Day 9

Please be aware, that if you have a trigger for suicide do not read further.

This piece is written in the hopes that someone who feels the same way might think twice and realize that they are not alone. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity.

It’s my first day home. I slept on the couch because bed just didn’t feel right. Nothing really felt right. It didn’t feel wrong but it wasn’t completely comfortable. For all I knew it never would be. 

I wasn’t sure I was wanted back. Spoiler, I was, it just took a little time. 

My brother-in-law was still staying with us for a few days. I just wanted an empty house while my wife was at work. Wasn’t anybody’s fault. I just locked myself in the living room. I still had undiagnosed Covid so I did a lot of sleeping. 

My wife was still pissed and giving me room. I actually think it was her who needed the room. Can’t blame her. I didn’t really know what she was going through and she wasn’t sharing yet. 

I honestly can’t remember much of the day. I slept, watched TV, ate, made lists, I think I called about my physical. 

I did a lot of thinking. I wondered what group conversations were going on and I kept checking my phone to see if it was meeting time at the hospital. 

I missed the hospital a little because it felt safe there. Not that I felt unsafe at home but I didn’t feel understood and that’s what I would have to figure out how to deal with. 

One way to help deal is to get out of town more often. I’m drowning in Prescott. Even just day trips would help. 

It’s also time to reach back out to the Free Thinkers group I used to frequent. Been away far too long now.  Some really great people there and they were great examples for my daughter.

Tomorrow is my appointment for a physical and the next day with the psychiatrist by phone. Real life would continue soon. It continued for everyone else. Very similar to after Lisa and Stacy’s funerals. My world was in chaos but the rest of the world kept spinning.

I would sleep in bed tonight.

End of day 9.