Please be aware, that if you have a trigger for suicide do not read further.

This piece is written in the hopes that someone who feels the same way might think twice and realize that they are not alone. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity.

My incident happened a week ago now. A week, a lifetime, ten seconds. Time is funny that way, and not haha funny. It should be my last full day. I was fairly sure of that until I wasn’t

I had been told that all my aftercare, therapist, etc., would be set up for me. Then they turn around and tell me the rules have changed and I have to make the arrangements. It’s just one phone call but it’s frustrating and puts my anxiety on high alert.

Phone time isn’t for another seven hours but for medical, insurance or housing calls they will give you a floor phone to use. I dialed the number and surprise, surprise was put in a holding queue. I wait 40 minutes to find out I’m not even in the system. Anxiety is super high now. I call upon ye olde social work to discover I am indeed a new patient for the back home services.

I call again, after a 30 minute wait this time they tell me they don’t accept my insurance. Back to my social worker. Now to be fair, this is the first trouble I’ve had during my stay but the angst it was creating was now beginning to do harm to whatever good I got from the last week.

Fortunately, the social worker took it back over but at this point I didn’t know if I was going home tomorrow or not. I went to check in with the psychiatrist so she could calm me down. She assured me that last-minute glitches happen all the time and in the worst case scenario it would be one extra day.

I could live with one extra day. 24 hours more was no big deal. I was ready to go home though. The more I thought about it the more I was ready. It was in somebody else’s hands right now, which ironically, made it more overwhelming.

My mind raced as I participated in group and did my puzzle. By 3:00 phone time, I still didn’t have an answer. I called my wife and told her what was happening. She had already taken the next day off. I told her I’d let her know next phone time. For now, we hoped it would work out for the next day.

I went about my afternoon. Snack time, puzzle, reading, and gym time. Dinner would be soon and businesses would be closing at 5:00. If it wasn’t cleared up by end of business it would have to wait until tomorrow.

Three minutes before 5:00, it felt like a movie. They found me in the dinner line. All was well, I had my home appointments and they took my insurance. Dinner was exceedingly good that night. I rushed to be the first in line for phone time so I could tell my wife. She didn’t need that extra anxiety either. She was happy.

In less than 24 hours I would be on my way home. Word got around. Jay, Helen and Allison gave me their phone numbers/ As much help as they were during the week and I would always remember them. I didn’t think I could take their chaos in my future. As great as it was to have them around in that controlled environment I wasn’t convinced they would be a help outside the hospital and that needed to be more important.

I had my worst night’s sleep that night since I was admitted. I was glad to be going home but now I was flooded with emotions of how that was going to go. How would my wife react? She didn’t have the same support system that I did for the last week. She did have a support system just not filled with professionals like mine. Maybe that was better.

End of day 7.