Please be aware, that if you have a trigger for suicide do not read further.

This piece is written in the hopes that someone who feels the same way might think twice and realize that they are not alone. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity.

Sunday was not a church day. There was a volunteer chaplain I had seen several times but I don’t think there was any kind of religious services offered. I’m not even sure the hospital had a chapel. Except for Steven nobody else seemed religious.

It was a very slow day again. TV was on all day, which I would normally enjoy, except the chosen programming was below mindless. I got to choose one movie, Crazy Stupid Love, and I was the only one who liked it. I didn’t like to believe it but even the psychiatrist told me I was the smartest most mature person there. She said except for my planned attempt she didn’t see me belonging there at all. I thought that was a pretty big except.

I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Everybody else seemed to have worse issues than I did but being around them was helpful. It was hard to know where I belonged. That problem started when Lisa died. After that, I completely lost myself and I think that’s been a big problem since, and it’s been almost 23 years now. That’s a long time to feel lost and unsure of who you are.

I became a new person by lack of choice and not a whole person at that. People always tell you you have choices but what they don’t tell you is sometimes the choice is between the gallows or a firing squad. Whatever I became I lost most of my previous self in it.

I have trouble remembering who that person was. There is a lot of growth I don’t want to toss out and there are some things that are just physically out of reach but I think maybe a shell might be loosening and I’m not sure what will pop out.

I’m thinking more about home as it comes closer. How will it be with my wife? The kids? Other family? My coworkers? Will I get the pitying head tilt like I got when Lisa and Stacy died?

How will I be? What would be my reaction to other people? In the hospital it was easy. Everything was at the surface here. Everybody knew you had an issue. You respected their problems and they respected yours.

Even now I’m not sure if I’m going home Tuesday yet or not. Psychiatry didn’t work on the weekend and neither did the social workers. My fate would have to wait until tomorrow.

Reading, puzzle, TV, and two informal groups took up most of my day. Jay was very talkative and showed me pictures of his cabins as he called them. They looked more like forts that kids build in the woods. I guess you can only do so much with free supplies in the forest.

I was still exhausted so the events of the day seemed even more overwhelming. As the end came closed I hoped at the same time that it was a new beginning.

End day 6