Slice 270 of 365
That’s how I start every morning. Telling myself everything is OK. I mean literally, I wake up saying that because I’m already in panic mode the minute my eyes open. I often wake up in the middle of the night in mid thought. You would think with all that going on that I have vivid dreams or perhaps nightmares, but I almost never remember dreams.
I don’t know where the anxiety came from or when it started. It’s snuck up on me. I suppose, I can kind of trace it to several places that go back further than I realized. I do know one thing though, it seems to get worse as I get older. I had much different visions of being fifty years old when I was twenty compared to what has actually happened.
It’s exhausting to be worried all the time, and it’s everything. We’re going to see Mike and Joey over Becca’s fall break at the beginning of October, and I’m already stressing about getting to the airport. Soon I’ll be stressing over Christmas already, and that’s over and above the regular worries like paying bills, is there work today, I hope the car starts to get Becca to school, etc. etc. etc.
I stay up later and later these days to wear myself out so I sleep decently. Plus getting up in the morning is the worst part of the day. That seems to be when everything is hardest. Getting out of bed and getting dressed helps to break it some. It gets better throughout the day, and after the workday is done is the best. Weekends are easier for some reason.
It used to be that I would get anxious about writing these posts, but somewhere along the line that went away. Maybe I just plan them out better now. Or because of writing the sequel for Jersey Justice I put a bit less importance on this writing. This writing, though, can be very therapeutic, regardless of the subject matter.
So, 100 times a day I tell myself everything is OK.
One of these days I’ll believe myself.