Slice 128 of 365
The last few days I’ve been writing about struggles. I’ve been thinking that I wish my kids knew me 25 years ago before all of it. To have known the person that I was then and not the broken leftover shell that they’ve gotten to know now.
That got me thinking about my dad and his struggles. Ones that I probably wasn’t even aware of, I’m sure I wasn’t. As my kids aren’t aware of all my struggles in their early lives or just things in general that they never needed to be told, then or now.
My father struggled with unemployment for half my childhood. I always thought he brought it on himself but the last few days I’ve been feeling I judged much too harshly. I didn’t and still don’t have all the details and I never will. I filled in the blanks with my own logic which is often flawed and not sound.
I know he struggled with depression and blue-collar Union guys in those days just didn’t discuss it.
I’m sure he struggled with unfulfilled dreams and felt like for every step he took forward he took three back.
Like any parent he made mistakes, just like I have and will continue to do most likely. I know I’m more like him than I’d care to admit but that goes for all children. In some cases he was right. In others I’ve changed the behavior for the better.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is I didn’t understand his world most of the time and I don’t believe anybody understands mine so I should try to cut him some slack and be more understanding of the things I didn’t know and will never know.
But it’s also to realize that I do now have a much better understanding of just the normal, everyday struggles, that are just that, struggles, and since I had not experienced them yet it was easy for me to think he was just being dramatic and lazy.
I have no idea what he may have given up for me and my siblings and honestly that’s what true heroes do, they never tell. Every father should be a hero to his kid even if it doesn’t last.
His frustrations were often taken out in ways I wish I had not been a part of or learned from but c’est la vie.
So pop, I apologize for, well everything, and will try to adjust my thinking accordingly.
Today I miss you a little more.