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Slice 43 of 365

I am sick to death of seeing all these lists with obvious information on them being passed off like they’re the new answers to the universe.

Examples with random answers:
10 ways to lose weight!
Eat less

10 ways to have a happy marriage
Don’t piss each other off

10 ways to be happy
Don’t be depressed!

So here we go:

9 3/4 Life Hacks

Living is tough. It is tiring and stressful so I’m going to give you 9 3/4 totally new and life altering life hacks to change the way you exist in this world. None of them will be stupid or obvious at all.

1. Breathe – Seems obvious right? Yes of course it’s obvious and your body probably does it automatically like it’s supposed to but some times you need to take control. Make sure you’re breathing 50-150 breathes a minute depending on your level of activity. See how easy?

2. Sleep – After a long, tiring day sleep is desired. Your body may fall asleep on its own or you may use drugs and alcohol to hasten the process. More sleep is better.

3. Wake up – Yes every morning wake up. By doing this your day has started and you are no longer sleeping. If you do not wake up you are dead, that’s a different list.

4. Eat – Food sustains you for those of you that didn’t know. Now by food I don’t mean McDonalds, Doritos and Snickers although for me that used to be part of my major food group.

5. Sex – enough said.

6. Drink – Now I mean drink plenty of water but you’re all adults, mostly, so take that how you see fit. Water, wine, beer, tequila, it’s all the same, right?

7. Friends – People mostly suck so pick a few who suck less than everybody else and make sure you don’t screw them over and maybe you can keep them.

8. Laugh – Laugh at everything, the old lady who fell in the crosswalk and got hit by the bus. The kid who falls off his bike, the guy who tells the inappropriate lesbian joke at the right-wing, conservative church picnic. Laugh at it all no matter what, people will laugh with you.

9. Think – This is a tough one. It can be very hard for people to use their own brains because they’ve been “FOX newsed” (Yep I did just turn that into a verb) or perhaps worse. Too many people’s brains are inside boxes apparently and there is no “I” in brain but there really is because when most people think they seem to think of themselves. So take your brain outside for a walk in the fresh air and let it breathe, see #1.

9 3/4. Most important – Whatever you do, wherever you go don’t forget to

Until tomorrow…